Do you ever feel like you're just clumsily meandering through your week? Or maybe your life? Like by trying to do everything and be everyone, you don't get anything done? You want to be a good cook, a good mom, a good photographer, crafty, spiritual, intellectual, athletic, artistic, politically active, a good friend, daughter, sister, lover, citizen, guest, you want to be strong, empathetic, kind . . . and by trying to be all of them you're not any of them - just tired and lost with bruises on your shins and ten stubbed toes.
I'm haphazardly hobbying my way through life, giving myself impossible "to do" lists each day. Lists like this:
1. Wash/hang/fold/put away laundry
3. Take Hannah to park, make new magnets for her
4. Write blog during Hannah's nap
5. Finish book
6. Empty downstairs closet - pull out books, fans, and other stuff to give and sell at Thursday's meeting
7. Sort stockpile of lotions and toiletries that haven't been used - give away.
8. Make Christmas cards
9. Dinner: homemade pizza
At the end of the day I can only cross 3 or 4 tasks off the list because I wrote it during that ambitious hour called "coffee time" or, as is usually the case, life happens. Hannah busts her lip on the coffee table and plants herself on my hip for the next 2 hours. There's an obnoxious kid at the park who I don't want my child to emulate. My book gets dreadfully boring. It rains. I fall asleep on the pile of laundry. Instead of celebrating those few things I manage to accomplish, I recount every oops, sorry, and dammit! that weakens my resolve and shatters my hope. WHY?? Why, Suzie? I think it makes me less productive - knowing I won't complete the list. It also makes my social interactions awkward and strained, because I know I'm better than this. I know there's still good in me. Still light. I'm just so effing SWAMPED by my own ambition and self-disappointment that I don't know how to speak any more. I don't know how to just . . . be. Would it help if I make a shorter list - say, 3 tasks? Or one, perhaps?
1. Take Hannah outside.
2. Clean or pack something.
3. Make something.
Look for beauty and grace in everything.