Good things

No, it isn't all darkness. There are things to be happy for. Hannah is talking up a storm. Her latest is "Uh ohhhhhh" as she drops her blueberries one by one on the floor. We're also working on "I love you," which right now sounds something like "Ah ya deee!" She has mastered the art of puckered little kisses when asked . . . only thing is, if one person gets a kiss, so does everyone else in the room . . . sometimes two or three, if she really likes you. She's also taken to lifting up people's shirts and tickling them, screaming with delight if she gets even the slightest reaction.

Courtney showed me this beautiful thing a couple weeks ago, and I've been meaning to post it here. By the time I can afford to go to London these pianos will probably be small ecosystems of mushrooms, moss and centipedes. Even better . . .

Looking for a creative outlet for your writing? Try writing a story about one of these significant objects. I especially enjoyed the story about this duck tray.

Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary on the air. This interactive graphic on the National Post has made me recall all of those endearing obscure or retired characters from my childhood. Remember the Yip Yips?!

Where the Wild Things Are trailer, you completely outshined the Harry Potter film you preceded. It was totally worth the 12 bucks just to see you on the big screen. (Yes, it's that expensive in Japan.)

This trailer of Wes Andersen's Fantastic Mr. Fox has me smiling pretty big, too. Seriously, what's not to love about an animated film with voice talents from the casts of Life Aquatic, The Royal Tenenbaums and Darjeeling Limited?

These 10 best book websites could keep me occupied through an entire Hannah naptime. And have. On several occasions.

As for work, I've been teaching summer phonics courses in Ota three times a week: a beginning class from 10:00-11:30 and an advanced class from 12:30-2:00. The beginners are learning all of the short vowel sounds while the advanced kids are getting into the long vowels. It's been a frustration and delight working with these kids - three of them are attending BOTH classes, neither of which they really need. With phonics classes, Homestay club and their regular "Let's Go" classes, Willis, Lane and Briah are now getting almost 20 hours of English a week! It isn't easy for the other kids to keep up in the shadow of these English-learning giants, but today I had amazing experience with Buzz, who used to be in "Hans' Hellions" American School. Samantha, I think this is the class William used to teach. We were learning the long "o" sound with all of it's quirky spellings: hole boat, toe, row, gold. We worked through some pages in their workbooks before picking up their readers for the day: "My Old Gold Boat." At the end of the class I usually have all of the kids read the book individually, and Buzz usually backs out. Today was a different story. The other kids sang our song of cheerful encouragement (a song perfect for phonics classes, by the way) as Buzz walked slowly to the front:

Buzz, Buzz, bo-Buzz
Banana-fana fo-fuzz!
Me, my mo-muzz
Buzz!

He sat down and proceded to read the entire book to the class, stumbling along as all beginning readers must, but never giving up, and trying at least once to sound out a difficult word before asking for my help. I shed tears of fierce pride as this little boy faced his fear. Children are such a gift . . . such a miracle.

To set the records straight

First off, can I just say that I've lost 10 pounds and it feels great?! Sorry, completely unrelated to the topic at hand. But still. 10 pounds! Go. Me. Now I need my shopper friends to go jeans shopping with me...

Ok, it occurs to me that I might be sending the wrong impression about my experience in Japan. I usually don't think much of the complaints I so freely dish out on various forums. I mean, life is never perfect, right? No matter where I live, I'll always have something to complain about. With that in mind, I've been sharing my frustrations with work, Japan, friends, motherhood, health, etc., not really taking my audience into consideration. But here are the demographics of the people who listen to/read my complaints:

1. Family who want us come home.
2. Friends who also want us to come home.
3. Friends who want us to work where they work, or live where they live.
4. Friends who have worked here before, and know what life can be like.
5. Friends who live here now and are either worried that we might leave, or want to know how in the world we've lasted here this long.

So typically, friends and family read into everything I say and think, Wow she sounds miserable, they should really come home or come work with us. Why are they staying there if they're so unhappy?! Funny, but nobody asked us that when we were living in Kansas, even though we were infinitely more miserable there. Maybe I just wasn't as vocal then. Living this far away, I feel like I need to speak louder in order to communicate. If I had been open with my feelings in Kansas, you would have heard this:

I just found out my husband lost his job. Some crap about him not being "confrontational" enough. Bull sh#%. His supervisors didn't like him - maybe he was a threat, being such a nice guy. No notice, no warning, just "as of now, we are terminating your employment." Apparently the world doesn't value compassion, kindness and a soft heart, but rather a cut-throat, I'm-better-than-you attitude. I cannot believe that Hans' cheery disposition is a weakness. I won't believe it. There must be some good left in the world. . . I admit that I'm a little hurt that he wanted to keep something so important from me. He was trying to protect me, I guess. Am I that fragile - that easy to upset? Maybe I am. I wish I weren't - that I could just press forward despite affliction, and with a smile on my face. No. No smile. I don't want to create a facade. Nobody is happy all the time - though some people try to be, or at least they pretend to be. It's ok to get upset, to be sad, to cry . . . just so long as I don't let that keep me from moving. Forward.

So maybe I'm overly dramatic about my lot in life. But when haven't I been? It's how I cope. It's how I move on. I know it isn't perfect, but it's something, right? So when you hear me say "my happiness in Japan is hanging by a thread" or read my status as "Suzie is worn out from work," or hear me complain about the illogical complexities of my boss and Japanese culture, I don't need a solution. I don't need an alternative to living in Japan. I don't need a new job, a new home, a new life. I just need to be heard. That's all. The truth is, I'm happier now than I ever have been in my life ("har har Suzie, that must mean you haven't been very happy in your life!"). I'm sorry I complain. That I don't talk about the beauty around me. Writing is my outlet - my stress reliever. So naturally, I usually do it when I'm stressed, worried or upset. I'll try to improve on this. Because Japan has been such a gift and a blessing. There is no where we would rather be right now.

Truly.

And Now I'm Stuck in the Web You're Spinning

It really sucks when the people you work with don't trust each other. I feel myself getting stuck in the middle of some pretty complicated webs of he-said-she-said exchanges. It's gotten to the point where I'm having to write contracts of agreement between people. I'm not qualified for this!!!

I Just Want to Know...

Why did I get this education? 4 years of my life, over $20,000, sleepless nights and endless days... for what? The first job I got out of college was at a storage facility. Hans worked as a security guard at a juvenile detention center. How messed up is that? And why can't we get decent-paying jobs and health care in our own country? Something is severely lacking in an economy that can't support it's own citizens, and forces them to move to other countries for work.

Hans thinks a Bachelors Degree is the new high school diploma. It's hard to get a decent job without a Masters - at least in our fields of study. Then WHY did I spend so much time and energy getting the dang thing? Education has become as inflated as prices! It's value has become so eroded that we need more and more of it to get anywhere in life.

Now, I'm not complaining about the need for more education. I love school. I love stimulating my mind, pushing my limits, and expanding my perceptions of the world. I think even if education weren't inflated, I'd probably still want to go to grad school. I just hate that 4 years of hard study doesn't amount to anything these days.

So, what do I want to study? I could go back to school for music.

Pros: 20 years of study under my belt
Hundreds of dollars spent on sheet music already
It's a skill I want to teach my children
It's what I love
I can teach private lessons anywhere

Cons: I'm not good enough for a career in performance
A performance career isn't conducive to family life
A music degree isn't very transferable into other occupations
Accompanists are expensive
I haven't sung or played in over a year, and I am badly out of shape.

I could go back for math.

Pros: I enjoy math. I think I'm good at it.
There are lots of accounting jobs out there
Music is very mathematical

Cons: Math is not my passion
I would have a loooooooot of catching up to do
Who wants to be an accountant??
Why am I talking about music in the math category???

I could go back for Applied Linguistics.

Pros: I have a background in teaching ESL
I have a background in diction and phonetics
It's a good degree to have when you're traveling around the world
It might better our chances of landing a job in Europe, where I could REALLY study music

Cons: Don't know much about the program
Don't speak any foreign languages fluently
Don't know if it's practical for jobs within the US
There I go talking about music again.....

Yeah, I think it's obvious what I want to do. I just can't justify doing it. It's expensive, time consuming, and I don't know how beneficial it would be to anyone but myself. I REALLY want to be selfish in my education, but I just can't be. Music isn't something I can study online, nor is it something I can study in Japanese (not that I'd want to - Japanese singers are appalling!). I also don't know if I have the confidence I need to go through with it. I am truly stuck.

(P.S. Yes, I went back and censored this blog. I realize I might have shocked some of my more sensitive readers. That was not my objective. Sorry, guys.)

It's ALIVE!

I'VE CREATED A MONSTER!!!! Or rather 12 monsters. Am I a bad leader? Looking back on all the leadership roles I've been pressed to take, I don't think I did well in any of them. I've heard the best leaders are the reluctant ones, but I might be the exception. I'm trying to find that delicate balance between reprimanding my peers and encouraging open anarchy among them. I think I lead better from within the group than outside of it.

I've also heard that the worst leaders are the best teachers. My boss teaches me something every day. Each day I renew my goal to be as LEAST like her as possible. I'm keeping a running list:

-Be slow to take offense (which is a lot harder than being slow to offend)
-Be mature
-Be professional
-Be modest in everything
-Sleep on it before replying to that email
-There are two sides to every story - educate myself before picking a side (or choosing not to)
-Don't micromanage. Delegate, delegate, delegate.
-Compromise facilitates greater changes than inflexibility

I've got more where that came from. I'm a regular fortune cookie when it comes to this job. But now that I've admitted to creating this monster, how do I tame it without breaking its spirit? I prefer people to think for themselves, and to not allow our boss to walk all over them. By the same token, they have a job to perform, and their constant whining, naysaying and cries of injustice are affecting the quality of their work. The monster is bitter, self-righteous and hostile. What do I do?