Friday, May 14, 2010

Tossing and turning

This hasn't been a great week for blogging. I'm not sure I've had one of those in a while. I will say that I got an amazing amount of sleep last night - much better than the 4 hours of the night before. What are the things I lose sleep over?

1. Wanting to squeeze every last drop from those evening hours after Hannah's in bed with reading, writing, drawing and connecting with people.
2. Allergies and a sore on the back of my throat from scratching it with my tongue (I know, it takes talent).
3. My unmerciful daemon (thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert), who must still be on Japan time.
4. Very sensitive ears. I don't mean that every little sound wakes me up. I sleep in the basement, where sounds are muffled and closets flood. I mean my ears physically hurt from sleeping on one side for too long. I don't know, maybe my cartilage is too firm, or my ears are just extra pokey. Maybe I need headgear for bed. But I can't stay on one side for more than 30 minutes before I have to either switch or roll onto my back, which inevitably ends up with a stuffy nose because of number 1 on this list. It's true that you never sleep the same after having a child, but I don't think the child has very much to do with it (at least mine doesn't). My body is just way too sensitive now.
5. Have you read my dream journal?
6. Sleeping in the same room with my computer and thinking about tomorrow's blog.
7. Facebook, facebook, facebook.
8. Dumb people.
9. Dumb me.
10. Waiting until the lights are off to start my "to-do" list for the next day. You would think the list would be relatively short compared to someone with, oh, a job. But my "to-do" list has things like:
     take a shower
     cut back to 2 cups of coffee
     work on dying goat essay
     draw a pig
     take pictures of living room from different angles
     sleep for 30 minutes of Hannah's nap, finish laundry, read book
     go to library
     walk to park with Hannah
     reply to ____'s email
     cook something new
     practice "Pictures at an Exhibition"
     write book review for "Storm of Swords"
     pick new book to read
     dry sand in sun, fill sand box
     show Hannah how to play with play dough
     finger painting?

I need a break. That sounds funny to me, because staying at Mom and Dad's has felt like a vacation. I don't mean I need more leisure time. I'm up to my eyeballs in leisure time. I just need a break from . . . this. The schedule. I need to get out of my own head for a while. Community service. More piano students. Something big to work for. A camping trip to get the hell away from the computer. Live music. A road trip to see my brother in Texas. I need air, dirt and sunshine - the perfect sleeping potion.

Any ideas?


courtney*adele said...

i am going to title this comment, 'things that make me go, HUH?!'

write the dying goat essay?!

i know you pretty well, but even i thought for a split second you had lost it completely while writing this blog this morning {wink} expound, please!

Suzie said...

Haha, it's just an essay I'm working on. Right now it's called "Words of a Dying Goat."

J said...

Schedules are great, but sometimes we get ambitious or lose sight of why they're good in the first place, and they just wind up making us feel rushed, lousy and exhausted.

I've found that changing up the way I schedule things helps. I schedule for the day only the things that absolutely positively MUST be done that day, then I pick an equal number of things that I'd like to do but aren't necessary, and I set my satisfaction bar for the day at 50%. If I accomplish even 50% of what I set out to do in a day (particularly the essential 50%), it's been a good day.

I set more rigid standards for weekly goals, but go light on scheduling to give myself more time and flexibility with when and how to work on those things. Something crazy happens on Tuesday? I still have four more days to finish that up for the week, and I don't feel quite so beat up and boxed in for not completing that task on Tuesday.

I guess the thing about your sample schedule is that it looks like it's packed with a lot of want-to-dos. I love the ambition, but it's hard to keep a schedule going when you don't have a whole lot of need-to-dos to balance them out. Things you mention, like piano students or camping trips, become like contracts when other people are involved and morph into nice big need-to-dos -- but fun ones!

Also, from the last few entries, it sounds like you've been stressing about updating the blog a lot. Why, exactly? Is it your own expectations, or are you worried about letting down other people? Maybe take a good look at why you're so anxious about what to write next and when, and...not "lower your standards," but relax and let go of some of the obligation you feel. Maybe set out to write one really satisfying blog a week, at your own pace, rather than agonizing and trying to force them out. Your blog is great and I'm sure everyone loves hearing from you, but it doesn't need to be to be rigidly scheduled or perfect, and I hope you can use it as something fun and refreshing rather than a pseudo-job.

Also, I want to learn this tremendous skill of tongue-throat scratching.

Suzie said...

J, can I hire you as my shrink? :)

I honestly don't know what it is with this blog. It's a creative outlet for me, but I still have to motivate myself to actually DO it. And I always feel better when I do. I don't know, it's like exercising. You stress about fitting it into your schedule, but you feel better when you do. Does that make sense?

I fill my schedule with want-to-dos, because I honestly don't feel I have enough need-to-dos to feel useful and satisfied with my day.

Suzie said...

I use the word "honestly" too much. It reminds me of our mutual "not gonna lie" friend. :)